I live a life of glitz and glamour. Every day, I take my Porsche out for a walk. I’m followed by a cloud of diamond shards and a trail of gold. Many people have asked me how I made it in Hollywood. “You’re so successful – how do you do it?” Here are full instructions for how to “make it” in Hollywood.
Step 1: Appease the Gods
You’ll go nowhere in Hollywood without appeasing the Gods that deterministically control the fabric of our reality. First, light your favorite incense. My favorite is sage and frankincense, though I’ll go with balsam if I’m in the mood. Next, speak the following words: “I GIVETH THY SOUL TO THEE, THAT I MAY BE GIVEN THY FAME THAT I SEEK, SO MOTE IT BE”.
Step 2: Blood Sacrifice
Although human sacrifice has been used for millennia, your blood sacrifice can be less intense but still creative. One idea is to use a goldfish – they have a memory of five seconds, right? They won’t even remember they’re dead! Another is to sacrifice that wolf spider that’s been hanging out in your basement. You knew it was there, right?
Step 3: Astral Projection
Since you’ll likely never be able to land a dinner date with the big shots to convince them you’ve got talent, there is another option: astral projection into their dreams. Go to the print shop and get a color photo copy of a casting director you have your eyes on. Set it up in the form of an altar, with lit candles beside it. Meditate in front, focusing on the director’s face and the vivid details of the dinner setting. Which restaurant do you want to go to? What do you order? What do they order? What do you say? What’s the general disposition of the waiter? The more details, the better. Afterwards, lie down on your bed and hold that image steadily in your head until it becomes reality around you. Get ‘em, Tiger!
Step 4: Destroy All Remnants of your Past Self
Breaking into Hollywood takes more than hard work – it takes a complete recreation of your identity. This includes eliminating all proof that you were ever not a celebrity. Nobody wants to know that you grew up in a poor, boring suburb of Omaha – they want to know that you were the child of a major coke dealer in LA, forced to raise yourself by watching MTV and pestering your butler with questions. How do you go about doing this? Donate everything you own to a thrift store. Do a complete purge of your social media. Delete all your phone contacts. Write all the names of your ex-lovers onto pieces of paper and throw them into the fire. Throw everything into the fire and watch the smoke disappear. You have a life of fame and glamour ahead of you – embrace it!
Step 5: Pick a New NameThink about it – nobody in Hollywood uses their birth name. Pick something catchy and memorable, like Baphomet Iblis, Euronymous Moloch, or Lilith Asmodeus!