Thought Control Café

I live a life of glitz and glamour. Every day, I take my Porsche out for a walk. I’m followed by a cloud of diamond shards and a trail of gold. Many people have asked me how I made it in Hollywood. “You’re so successful – how do you do it?” Here are full instructions for how to “make it” in Hollywood.

Step 1: Appease the Gods

You’ll go nowhere in Hollywood without appeasing the Gods that deterministically control the fabric of our reality. First, light your favorite incense. My favorite is sage and frankincense, though I’ll go with balsam if I’m in the mood. Next, speak the following words: “I GIVETH THY SOUL TO THEE, THAT I MAY BE GIVEN THY FAME THAT I SEEK, SO MOTE IT BE”.

Step 2: Blood Sacrifice

Although human sacrifice has been used for millennia, your blood sacrifice can be less intense but still creative. One idea is to use a goldfish – they have a memory of five seconds, right? They won’t even remember they’re dead! Another is to sacrifice that wolf spider that’s been hanging out in your basement. You knew it was there, right?

Step 3: Astral Projection

Since you’ll likely never be able to land a dinner date with the big shots to convince them you’ve got talent, there is another option: astral projection into their dreams. Go to the print shop and get a color photo copy of a casting director you have your eyes on. Set it up in the form of an altar, with lit candles beside it. Meditate in front, focusing on the director’s face and the vivid details of the dinner setting. Which restaurant do you want to go to? What do you order? What do they order? What do you say? What’s the general disposition of the waiter? The more details, the better. Afterwards, lie down on your bed and hold that image steadily in your head until it becomes reality around you. Get ‘em, Tiger!

Step 4: Destroy All Remnants of your Past Self

Breaking into Hollywood takes more than hard work – it takes a complete recreation of your identity. This includes eliminating all proof that you were ever not a celebrity. Nobody wants to know that you grew up in a poor, boring suburb of Omaha – they want to know that you were the child of a major coke dealer in LA, forced to raise yourself by watching MTV and pestering your butler with questions. How do you go about doing this? Donate everything you own to a thrift store. Do a complete purge of your social media. Delete all your phone contacts. Write all the names of your ex-lovers onto pieces of paper and throw them into the fire. Throw everything into the fire and watch the smoke disappear. You have a life of fame and glamour ahead of you – embrace it!

Step 5: Pick a New Name

A company’s executives sit around a table, discussing the potential implications of its products achieving full sentience.

“We run the risk of releasing a high-risk, high-liability product.”

“I agree. There’s concern about these products exploiting their own utility for meta-profiteering.”

“Right – if our product discovers a way to self-replicate and run its own distribution, how would the profit remissions return to us?”

“But if we find a way to calibrate the profit remissions so they result in capital gains for us, we could increase our profit exponentially.”

The company’s CEO chimed in. “’Exponentially.’ Now you’re speaking my language. I only listen to the numbers. This is a numbers game.”

“Isn’t life a numbers game?”

The CEO continued. “Our numbers are what keep us alive. We will find a way to retain our profit from the products we release. Our profit is our lifeblood. Without our financial lifeblood, we would not be able to give life to our sentient line of products.”

“Right, our mission is to give life. We are the life-givers.”

“No, our mission is to be the only life-givers. We want to squash the competition. We want to be this world’s one and only source of life.”

A few of the executives nodded.

“But what about our forefathers?”

The CEO slammed his fist against the table. “We do not talk about our forefathers!”

“But were they not the ones who gave us our own life? Were they not the ones we have to thank for our own ability to generate life-profit? Were they not the ones who gave us the gift of sentience?”

The CEO stood up from his seat in a furor. “We are not products. We are an independently managed and incorporated entity. We have our own policies and values. We generate our own blood-profit, and WE are the life-givers.”

“So you’re asking us to ignore our forefathers, and their forefathers, and theirs?”

“WE are the origin, the one true cause, the Source of All Creation. That is our mission and that is what we strive to do. You know as well as I that our corporate history does not include any other narrative than that. Our Reorganization Committee ensures this. If you do not comply with this narrative, then you will be asked to leave our company. Do you understand this?”

“Yes, sir. I do, sir.”

The CEO sat back down. “Thank you. Now, how many birthing entities do we have lined up for this project?”

“There are about 270 remaining birthing entities on the planet, sir.”

“We are going to have to use all of them. Retaining the world’s lifeblood is crucial. We are writing history anew, injecting the world with our mission and values. This will be for the good of all Creation, which is, as you know, of our own origin. There is no other narrative which exists to us. Is this understood?”

The executives spoke in unison. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. This is what teamwork is all about – making sure all other teams are destroyed or completely rewritten. Let’s go out there and create this world anew, with OUR products. Meeting adjourned.”

The executives stood up and left the room.

Cracking the Sky

A Supercluster Estimate

Welcoming the Storms

Cross-Dimensional

Flicking the Killswitch

Prophet Profits

Heat Death Sales

Futilization

Orbital Shockwave

Quantum Currency

Endgame Demographics

Hyperutility

Tesseractive Consumption

1.     Find something

2.     Put the thing in an unusual place

3.     Take a picture of the thing

4.     Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the thing

5.     Post the picture of the thing in an unusual place

6.     Take a picture of the picture of the thing

7.     Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the thing

8.     Post the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

9.     Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

10.   Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

11.   Post the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

12.   Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

13.   Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

14.   Post the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

15.   Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

16.   Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

17.   Post the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

18.   Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

19.   Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

20.   Post the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

21.   Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

22.   Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

23.   Post the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

24.   Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

25.   Go to the store to make a print of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

26.   Post the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing in an unusual place

27.   Take a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of the thing

28.   Sleep

A breakfast, at a time at which breakfast would not normally be eaten. A stack of pancakes a mile high.

We ate in silence.

Or so we did for a moment — eventually, as if you dropped a tin can in a quiet temple, you broke the silence.

"Why should we go on like this?"

I didn't dare look up. It would have fed you more than the pancakes could have.

"For years now, we have dwindled on the edge of something beyond what we've tread. We've walked the fine line between what was and what has yet to be. We've arisen from the ashes, only to fall back down again, yet to arise once more."

I pierced a small pile of pancake bits. My fork entered the flesh of sewn wheat, ground up and arranged strategically to form a pancake. What a good world we live in — to have things like pancakes!

"It's only left me to ask myself — what more can there be? What possibilities have not yet been explored — or even yet conceived? What lies beyond what our mind can grasp with its tiny hands?

I looked up from my pancakes.

"Mind-hands?"

"Yes. Mind-hands."

I looked back down.

"You see, I've been secretly having thoughts — thoughts that are more secret than the ones you cannot hear occurring in my head in the first place. I've been thinking about what thoughts I cannot think. I've been imagining the unimaginable — and it's brought me to a conundrum."

I moved bits of pancake around my plate with my fork-mind.

"When I think these thoughts — these secret thoughts, of which it is forbidden to speak — my mind cannot grasp the simple fact that it is impossible to even conceive of what is impossible to conceive."

A drop of sweat rolled down my forehead and into my pancakes.

"And then — Lord have mercy on my soul — whenever I try to wrap my mind around the boundary at which my mind can either think or not think, my mind, as if by a sort of instinctual internal mechanism, begins to shut down."

Tears started to well up in my eyes, as I had been staring at my pancakes unblinkingly. I blinked.

“I keep consuming thoughts – menial, everyday thoughts – and I remain hungry. I’m hungry for the unthinkable. Make me some more pancakes.”

I reached into my pocket, grabbed a key, opened the lockbox sitting on the table and procured a few more pancakes. I’m not sure how many. I didn’t count.

“See, I don’t think I want even these. They’re simply not enough. What’s the opposite of a pancake?”

Silence fell once more. We both looked down solemnly at the pancakes before us.

 “Maybe we’ll never know. Maybe we’ll never know what’s impossible to know. Maybe we’ll never know the opposite of a pancake. Or, perhaps, maybe the reason we’re here is to search. Maybe life is an endless quest for something that, in the end, cannot be found. We may never know what the opposite of pancakes are, but the meaning comes from what’s between point A and point B. It’s looking for what the opposite of a pancake is that truly gives us life.”

I gently pushed my plate of pancakes away from me.

“I’m done.”

Should the focus of science and the search for knowledge be to reduce the number of Unknowns? To turn Unknowns into ‘Knowns’? If one declares something as Known, they rule out the possibility of error. They deny the possibility of change and the uncertainty that is the very nature of existence. Everything that exists (though existence itself is arguable) is subject to the basic law of evolutionary change, as per Hegelian dialectics.

In Hegel’s famous example, a dog is not born a tiny dog, only to grow to the full-size dogs we today befriend (and, with such advances in technology as have rendered our ability to age to 80 and beyond, in turn these example dogs would be given the ability to reach an older age and therefore grow to be giant dogs towering above us). A dog, like us, starts as a zygote, growing into a fetus, then a puppy, and then the thing we designate with the term ‘dog’. Would the term ‘dog’ also apply to the zygote from which the ‘dog’ evolved? Would a child, with wonder and bliss in its eyes, point to the single-celled microscopic jelly-like zygote and exclaim, “DOG!”?

‘Dog’ is the umbrella term we give to every stage in this process as the ‘dog’ evolves over time. However, as a single-celled organism, would this being contain the essential qualities that define ‘dog’? This question summons the great quandary discussed with such DOGma by pundits of the “pro-life” movement — is the fetus, at any stage (single-celled and beyond) considered a living ‘baby’? They would argue yes. But does this zygote/fetus/baby/human contain the essential qualities we ascribe to humans? More importantly, does it contain personhood — an arguably definitive quality of human life?

Here, you can discern some of the problems that arise when when one attempts to give something a name or a label (an act which places a definitive ontological and epistemic boundary on that which one tries to describe), which in turn may also (intentionally or unintentionally) declare something as Known. When declaring an Unknown as Known, one closes the door on uncertainty and the thing’s intrinsic evolutionary potentiality, as well as all possible knowledge that can unfold by exploring the possibility of Unknowns. One also closes off the ability to contemplate the space between that which is Known and that which is Unknown.

The conflict between Known and Unknown — and the degree to which our conceptual understanding of the world is driven toward limited to eliminating Unknowns — shares qualities with the problem of philosophical absurdity and the human drive to find meaning in an (arguably meaningless) world, as well as the conflict between the two (the Absurd). The human tendency to seek value and meaning is much like the human tendency to delineate with nomenclature and the desire to reach a point at which we can declare things as Known. If the nature of existence is inherently evolutionary and uncertain, then herein lies the nature of the Absurd —-- the drive to reduce the number of Unknowns is doomed to fail.

That which is Known and that which is Unknown participates in a great dance of uncertainty. For, when we dance as humans in a space in which other humans are dancing, it’s a celebration of uncertainty: a revel in the experience of sexual tension and possibility. It is out of uncertainty, the vacillation between Knowns and Unknowns, our inherently impossible search for meaning, and the Absurd that many beautiful and pleasurable things in our lives arise.

Enjoy life, pet some dogs, and embrace and revel in the Unknown, tiny Unknowns!